Home Nurse offers new perspective

Marg, one of the home nurses, explained to me about the general surgeon who freaked me out so badly while I was in the hospital. I refer to him now as Dr Doom and Gloom. She explained to me that General Surgeons have the god complex, and if something can't be cut out, then you are going to die, from their perspective. That made a lot of sense to me. I feel much more relaxed about seeing the oncologist tomorrow!

First Oncology Appointment

I am seeing a Dr Mathis tomorrow morning at 8:30 AM at the Cancer Clinic. Terrified but also excited that we will finally be moving forward again. Its been another three weeks of waiting.

My arm is more mobile, I can actually put it above my head slowly. I am not pushing it, as its still "broken" but it feels good to be moving it some.

Appts and more appts

Ortho surgeon has called. I see him next week. Got a couple others to hear from. Isn't this fun. I wonder if I can get a discount by buying taxi chits in bulk?
This showed up on a devotion that I read, and it really hit home for me:

"The settled happiness and security which we all desire, God withholds from us by the very nature of the world: but joy, pleasure and merriment, He has scattered broadcast. We are never safe, but we have plenty of fun, and some ecstacy. It is not hard to see why. The security we crave would teach us to rest our hearts in this world and oppose an obstacle to our return to God: a few moments of happy love, a landscape, a symphony, a merry meeting with our friends, a bath, or a football match, have no such tendency. Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home."
~ C.S. Lewis in The Problem with Pain

helps me to keep things in perspective.

Home Sweet Home

I am home! Amazing how tiring getting ready to come home. Home care nurse came in tonight to get me set up. So I am now down one arm, in a sling, and the other arm is connected to an IV that is connected to a fanny pack with a pump. I need to carry this all the time for the next 8 weeks. I feel totally claustrophobic just thinking about it all! How I am to get anything accomplished.....I Just don't know.

still in hospital

though it looks like i will be discharged today, depending on home care. several things need to be coordinated before home care is good to go, including equipment pick up and the actual antibiotic being ready for pickup.

general surgery was in yesterday to talk to me. he has scared me completely, in that he says that any type of cancer that is from one part of the body that has transferred to bone is treated only with chemo and is not curable. this is a lot of information. i am not sure if the man has just handed me a death sentence, or what. i will be seeing the oncologist as an out patient, and maybe then will start to have an understanding of what all is happening.

i am scared. i am emotional. at this point in my life, i just want to be the mom, to be celebrating my kids. i feel healthy. i don't want to be told that i am gettiing sick. i don;t want to suspect each cough or sore muscle as something worse. i don;t want to live life from a pessimistic perspective, wondering if each moment is my last moment. this isn't who i am. i am looking forward to going home today, looking forward to sleeping uninterrupted. i am also nervous, wondering how much i will be able to do at home, and will it be enough.

The weirdness continues

Ok, so I went for the mammogram yesterday, and they had the doctor immediately look at it, given the situation. It was fine. Everything was clear. The girls showed no signs of anything unusual.

SO, the new game plan is to hand me over to oncology to be treated as an outpatient for further testing. Incredible. I am emotionally exhausted, and no longer know what to think about anything. It appears that I am being released from the hospital today, to continue the antibiotics thru home care. The arm itself is looking good, healing well. It will be considered "broken" for several weeks, up to about 18 weeks, while the bone (hopefully) regenerates itself. We hope that the antibiotics continue to do their job, and that there is no recurrence of infection. And we carry on, taking things day by day. It all feels like a cosmic joke, but I am certain that there are many people out there experiencing similar situations.

scary new info

Just as I was about to prepare to be discharged, Josh, my surgeon, came up tonight and said that we had to have a talk. New results from the biopsy done at my surgery have shown what appears to be breast cancer cells. While these cells have been removed from my arm, we now need to know how bad it is with my breasts. I had a mammogram in late January with an ultrasound done on a spot that my doctor thought was slightly denser. Both came back fine. So, I am hopeful that this means things were caught early, though it seems strange that my arm started hurting in March and in April was xrayed. That seems really too close to the mammogram to have enough time to metastatize (sp). But we will have a great deal more information soon. I am having a mammogram tomorrow and probably a full MRI as well. They have already spoke to the anesthetist and he is going to put me out for the MRI (last time, the sedation did not sedate, so they need to do it with me fully knocked out to have success). I have good people looking out for me, and I believe that good things are coming. I thought that the good times were here, but I guess I need to get thru this bump first.