My gyn. appointment was changed to Thursday, just past. I have yet another doctor baffled and confused as I present a new version of something that they thought they had seen it all of. Ultra-sound and mammogram show nothing at all. Gyn. found all parts as they are supposed to be. She did a biopsy of the endometrine wall, and a pap, but says that I have all the parts in the condition that they are supposed to be in for a woman my age, who has had three children. Normal never seemed so bizarre! Where they would expect to see me full of tumours, there is nothing abnormal, everything is healthy. So where are the breast cancer cells coming from? The gyn. is running two MRIs on me next week, one of the breasts and one of the reproductive organs. If nothing shows up, apparently I get a paper written on me, or something exciting. Its stressful in a bad way, because I keep expecting them to find what they are looking for, and stressful in a good way, in that I feel the hand of God in my life. But when do I get to just get on with my life! I need to finish the intravenous antibiotics, and then radiation before they can do the surgical repairs that may or may not still be necessary. I need to wait until at least January before I can start to use the arm for lifting etc. I feel like there is a giant pause button in the middle of my forehead!
My kids are absolutely amazing. While each individual child is stressed out in their own way and reacting individually to being bounced around and missing home and mommy, and dealing with a sick mommy, they are also working together, and helping each other and me. Today, I was so tired out and achy that I lay down for a while and fell asleep. Emily knocked on my door and said that it was 5:45pm and could she go ahead and make mac and cheese for supper. I said please do, and she took care of it from start to finish. She asked Greg to come in and drain the pasta, and got Ryan organized to set the table, down to coaching him to write out everybody's names for their places. I was so proud of both of them, and they were terribly proud of themselves!
On Thursday morning, Adam made me breakfast in bed, all by himself, complete with cereal and yoghurt, graham crackers and mini ritz crackers, and a dixie cup of water, on a laptable of Ryan's. He had planned it the night before with his leader from Pioneers. It was beautiful.
But the flip side is that Ryan is talking babytalk, and refusing to do his homework. Adam is self conscious and nervous, pacing a lot. And Emly is easily moved to tears and nervous. I am staying in the moment and taking each thing one at a time, but it breaks my heart. What kind of mom can't even hug her kids properly because she can only use one arm? What kind of mom is dependant on her almost 10 year old for help with the laundry and dinner and groceries? I am really beating myself up, I know, but that is where I am tonight.
There is an interesting study being done through Queens University and the Cancer Clinic. They are asking people who have just learned that they have breast cancer to take a disposable camera with 36 shots on it, and record whatever they want with it. My first picture will be of my left hand. My perfectly good left hand that I can't use right now, because I apparently have breast cancer in my humorous bone. Its crazy and pathetic. Its also
