I met the radiation specialist today. He would like to see a slightly more aggressive approach taken to this whole puzzle. He would like to see me, post reconstruction surgery, have a round of radiation and chemo. He spoke my concern about the stray cancer cells that we haven't cut out. But he is on a wait pattern until I see Dr Mates (my oncologist) again, following the tests being completed. He also again mentioned hormone therapy, where we starve all cells of estrogen, which is what breast cancer lives on. Does anybody know why they don't just eliminate estrogen for breast cancer victims? Weird that if we know what they eat, why can't we just starve them out? Hmmmmm, there's some research for you Dad!
I got a big binder today, from the hospital, to keep everything together, including contact info and procedure information. Its very neat, but it very clearly states that its from the cancer clinic, so I imagine that I am going to have to start using that word around home, getting the kids adjusted to the concept, fairly soon. We have avoided it, and its been a little weird at times. When Emily was doing the Terry Fox run, she told me that there was a banner that you could write names of cancer survivors and victims, and she wrote the name of Susan, a young friend of ours who lost her eyes to cancer when she was 10. Emily said that she knew that MY grandmother had died from cancer, as well, but that she didn't know her personally, but that some of the other kids had members of their family that they were writing on the banner. I felt like such a liar at that point, that I haven't told them everything. Especially Emily who is getting old enough that she deserves to know. She has questioned why its taking so long for my arm to be better, and has asked if God is angry with us for something. Its hard, especially since this is breast cancer, and will increase HER risk for the disease and become part of HER medical history. I feel like I am making her grow up too quickly to give her that information. Adam will have a million questions and then, some day, come up with a cure, the way that child's brain works. And Ryan just wants to know if he can stay with me when I go to the hospital next time. He insists that he can just sleep on the floor. Enough of our friends know, I worry that they are going to let it slip to their kids. And kids figure out things psychically, sometimes, anyways.
I just really need to be done with this antibiotic bag that I have to haul with me everywhere. It is seriously making me grumpy. Its heavy and stinky and requires the nurse coming in each day. I just want one day of alone. One opportunity to shower without an arm hanging out the side. Whine whine.
Positive thoughts and positive energy......tomorrow morning's MRI is going to show nothing new and nothing interesting.
